Saturday 8 April 2017

Mall sex with Eden and the Dead Sea hand cream


I was walking through the mall today and I got shanghaied by a hand cream girl at one of those kiosks you find in the aisles. You know the type: they usually sell hand creams and lotions with ingredients like "salt from the Dead Sea" to exfoliate and soften tired old working hands like mine, and the booths are always manned by at least two people - one woman and one man, the better to do that shanghaiing they do so well.

Anyway, her name was Eden and she spoke with a thick French accent that wasn't from Quebec or France for that matter. North African, perhaps? Could be. She was very pretty with big eyes - the better to hold my gaze - and Mediterranean features. I'd like to say Moroccan, because it sounds sexy.

And she was that and more. She massaged my hands with both creams (including the exfoliating number with the Dead Sea salt) and she invaded my personal space the entire ten minutes of our exhilarating but so brief relationship. I didn't mind one bit.

I know she was working me and I know she was working me hard, with her adorably-accented broken English going a mile a minute during her sales patter. I know all this and I still almost fell for her pitch.

She talked dirty to me, man.

And once I was able to tear myself away from her eyes, I talked dirty to her too. And the whole while she was touching me or leaning in close to tell me how the cream would be in the shower and wouldn't it be nice to shower with her and would you like to kiss me?

Admittedly that last line was uttered when she felt the sale slipping away but still, it was wonderful.

It was the best sex I've had in years.

Despite all her efforts I had to say no as even dirty talk from a beautiful woman can't change the numbers in my bank account. But we left on good terms - or so I thought, anyway - and I agreed to stop by the next time I was in the mall to give her another crack at wearing me down.

As luck would have it I had to make a return visit to the Oshawa Centre a few hours later and I saw Eden chatting up another potential client (a woman, so I wasn't tooo jealous) on my way to the phone store.

I'll say hi on the way back, I said. And I did.

"Hi Eden," I bellowed in my loudest and sexiest voice.

She either didn't hear me or ignored me. So I tried to catch her eye and waved to her. She ignored me again.

It hurts to say this, but I think the love affair is over.

I miss you Eden.

Saturday 6 June 2015

The Pan-Am Torch Run: Unforgettable


It was an amazing experience; almost surreal at times and even more awesome than I expected.

I carried the Pan Am Games Torch in Oshawa yesterday. And I liked it.

It all started on a bit of a lark when I filled out the online application. I used to have a bit of cred with various politicians and the like when I was a working journalist out here, but that was a long time ago so I didn't think I'd get any special treatment. I talked about my love of Oshawa and Durham Region on the application and how I have promoted the city and region over the years and then finished with an attempt at humour by bragging about IPA Tales, the beer blog I (sometimes) write.

Damn if it didn't work. "Congratulations! You have been selected as a torchbearer for the TORONTO 2015 Pan Am Games Torch Relay!"

Cool.

I got a number (061) and a start point (380 Gibb) and time (5:48 pm) and was told to be at the Civic at 3:45 for orientation and to get my uniform for the relay.
Marta and I

Soon after that I started getting nervous. What if my knee (torn meniscus, arthritis) doesn't hold up well to the run? The last thing I want is to look like an old man or worse, stumble and fall. I wanna look cool, smooooth even, when I carry the torch.

What if I drop it? What if I'm too hungover from the college reunion party I was attending in Burlington the night before? What if I fail the drug test afterwards?

All those thoughts quickly dissipated when I arrived at the Civic, thanks to the energetic and adorable Ms. Strutt, who took us through our paces and got us pumped up for the run.

She also thanked 'Marta' for participating in the relay, except I heard 'Marita' and thought the woman in our group being followed by cameras was Marita Payne, who was a Canadian track star in the 1980s and is now better known as Andrew Wiggins' mother. Except Marita would be in her 50s by now and this woman was 30, 35 tops.

She was clearly a celebrity as there was an entire TV crew following her around and speaking in a Latin language. And then it hit me - or, more accurately, as we stood outside in the rain waiting for the bus to take us to our drop-off spots, another torch bearer told me she was Marta, the soccer player.


Our Torch Relay team
"Marta? The Brazilian superstar?" I replied, running back to my car to retrieve my camera and quickly introducing myself. "Weren't you the World Footballer of the Year?"

"Five times," she corrected me.

And this is the runner who will be passing me the torch. So cool.

And then we were off, with the convoy consisting of our bus, a van holding a gaggle of photographers, and our guardians, which were mostly cops.

It's been a long time since I was chased by cops but on this day it was a good thing.

At each drop-off we cheered the runner as he or she got into position to take their turn with the torch and the friends and family members on the street snapped as many pictures as they could before the torch relay caught up to them.

And then it was my turn. Only problem is my loved ones were standing about 100 metres away from my 'spot.' I started waving them forward and the energetic and adorable Ms. Strutt did the same, poking her head out the bus to implore them to keep going.

Passing the torch
And they did, at a dead run. By the time they caught up I was about one minute away from my turn.

And here comes Marta. The torch pass was delayed 30 seconds or so while the TV crews got their shots - I guarantee I was all over Brazilian television yesterday - and then we touched torches to transfer the flame and I was off.

Too fast, my guardian told me. "Let the camera truck get a bit ahead," he said as I slowed to a walk briefly. And then I was off again, running smoooothly with police officers all around me, and keeping up a steady dialogue the whole way.

I felt young again for most of the 200 metre run, especially as I saw out of the corner of my eye my son Matt trying to keep up with me as he videoed the experience. "So fast," he puffed to me later.

Too fast, I responded.

And then it was over, as I got to the next check-point and passed the flame off to runner #62. And I felt exhilarated and ready to do it all over again.

I was glad my family was there to watch - including my parents, who made the trip from Toronto, only to miss my run while trying to find my station (they got to watch the video, thanks to Matt) - and I am so happy I got to share the experience with them.

Truly unforgettable.

C'mon, Quebec City, or Calgary - I don't care. Win that Winter Olympic bid so I can do this again.

Cheers!






Thursday 7 May 2015

McDavid, Generals put Oshawa in hockey's bright lights

It's official: McDavid McMania arrives in the Shwa tonight.

Tickets went on sale for games 1 and 2 of the OHL final Monday morning and were sold out (in about an hour!) as local hockey fans - and ticket scalpers - clamoured for a chance to see hockey's next wunderkid, a once-in-a-generation player named Connor McDavid.

Did I say scalpers? I did say scalpers. Tickets were being sold on Kijiji shortly after the box office opened for $200 and more. Each. For a junior hockey game.

To put that in perspective, tickets to TFC's home opener - a hot ticket for sure, with international stars Michael Bradley, Jozy Altidore and Sebastian Giovinco in the lineup - were selling on the same site for $150.

This is the OHL final and a berth in the Memorial Cup awaits the winner so there would be interest in the series regardless of who the Oshawa Generals were playing. But $200? That's insane. But that's the kind of mania that has been following McDavid all season long.
Connor McJesus McDavid

The future Edmonton Oiler (local media have taken to calling him Connor McJesus) is an electrifying player who puts people in their seats, only to lift them out as soon as he touches the puck. He has broken more ankles this season than Lionel Messi (to use another soccer analogy) and has put up mind boggling numbers in the process. Try 120 points in just 47 games and he would have run away with the scoring title if he hadn't broke his hand in an ill-advised fight before the World Juniors.

(He came back in time to lead Canada to the gold medal. Of course.)

He has even stepped it up a notch in the playoffs with 42 points in 15 games for his Erie Otters as they ran over all western conference opponents - including Sault Ste. Marie, the number one ranked team in the country.

Now he has the Oshawa Generals in his sights, the last step before Memorial Cup glory.

The problem for McDavid and his Otters is the Generals may have something to say about who wins this series. Erie may have a McSuperstar and the most explosive offence but the Gens can score too and they boast a defence that has been called one of the best in the history of the Ontario Hockey League.

And you know what they say wins championships...

The team and its fans may also have a wee bit of a chip on their shoulders, considering the national media has been providing a 'Connor McDavid Watch' all season long, while not giving Oshawa - the top ranked team in the nation for sixteen consecutive weeks - any publicity at all.

My guess is the boys have something to prove.

But back to those damn scalpers. My Saturday night is free this weekend and the J Man and I would have loved to snap up some tickets.

This year`s Generals were doing a lot of this
So would my pal Mark. While there will always be a wide gulf in our NHL allegiances - he's a diehard Habs supporter while I will die a Leafs' fan - we share a passion for the Oshawa Generals. He goes to as many Gens games as he can and he sure wanted to go to one of the weekend matches at the General Motors Centre.

That didn`t happen and Mark was a little pissed, progressing through the classic four emotions of loss, at least where ticket scalping is concerned: Anger ("this is junior hockey, ffs"); Disgust ("people bring their kids because they can't afford NHL games"); Scheming ("we'll dress up like pizza delivery dudes to get in free"); to Resignation ("at least it will be on Sportsnet").

Mark will be watching and I will be working (I'll try not to run over the sports reporters and TV talking heads expected to litter the downtown streets) when this series gets rolling shortly after 7 tonight.

Wayne Gretzky called McDavid the best player to come out of the draft in 30 years (translation: better than Crosby) but the Generals and their supporters aren't intimidated.

Bring it.

Oh yeah. Go Gens!




Tuesday 5 May 2015

Community art thriving in Oshawa's Living Room

The last Saturday before Christmas was a busy day for me, as I'm sure it was for most people. I had a few shopping stops to make and not a lot of time to do it as I was headed across the border for a brief beer shopping excursion before finding my way to a Christmas party in Burlington.

I managed to avoid the mall this day, but not Wal-Mart and Target and the Christmas stress was palpable among the throngs of shoppers looking for last minute bargains.

I had one other stop on this day, however, that more than made up for any Christmas blues I may have been experiencing. The Living Room Community Art Studio in downtown Oshawa.

Mary
The Living Room is a storefront art studio for the community - especially those who are most marginalized. On any given day the place is filled with budding artists - most of them children - intent on expressing themselves through their art or learning about their craft at workshops staffed by volunteers.

Front and centre in this magical place are two people near and dear to my heart: my sister-in-law Mary and my brother-in-law Anthony. Mary in particular is like a rock star here: children would constantly come up to her to show her their work: "Look at this Mary!" and "See what I did Mary?" and "Can you help me?"

And she would look. And she would help. An actor by trade and an art therapy graduate, Mary would be ringing up a small art purchase and chatting with me, a woman who had come in to praise the studio and a budding artist or two, and then, as smooth as tomorrow's silk, take two strides to her left to welcome participants at a workshop that was just getting underway and then return to us and the conversation without missing a beat.

Like a boss.

Anthony, meanwhile, was also on hand offering advice and assistance, though his presence was a bit more restrained. A movie man himself, with a ton of experience in independent films as a producer/director and in supporting roles in bigger budget flicks, Anthony spent this day ensuring the workshop participants were able to realize their artistic potential and have fun doing it.

They make a great pair, these two. And the art community in Oshawa is the better for it.



Wednesday 19 February 2014

Bewitched by Witchshark and friends

I drank deeply of her beauty before I brought her to my lips. She was so enchanting I thought it must be sorcery, until I realized that at nine per cent ABV, she had a bite that I had to respect.

I was in love with a beer, as well as with a brewery. But even more with friends, both old and new.

The occasion was a visit to the Bellwoods Brewery on Ossington Avenue in Toronto, home of Witchshark double IPA, a brew that has already soared to the top of my must-have list. The friends were my college buddy Don, he of the Brew Ha Ha blog and his new found expertise in all things beery, and my new friend, the lovely Cat.

We had been talking for a while about doing a brewery tour – especially after I had missed Cat and Don’s Most Excellent Amsterdam Adventure – and we settled on Bellwoods, largely on the strength of three IPAs on the menu. Three? Damn, I was excited at the prospect and besides, it was my idea.

So on Saturday I headed to the Big Smoke and after almost pulling a Don (I missed my exit, as opposed to getting lost entirely) I made it the brewery and found a place to park on the permanently snow-bound side streets. (How can they plow it if the cars never leave?)

The meet-n-greet was outside, as we all arrived at about the same time, and other than a minor faux pas of extending a hand to Cat (her choice – the better one – was a warm embrace), was uneventful.

But inside, I saw what the fuss was about. Cozy (a lineup started soon after our arrival near the opening bell of 2) with a great country kitchen vibe (as long as your country kitchen contained massive beer-making machinery), the bar was dominated by a huge board with dozens of offerings from the brewery, as well as some ‘guest’ taps.

There were plenty of IPAs, so I was ready.

“One Roman Candle, please,” said I. “I’m sorry,” said our server. “We’re all out. We blew the keg.”

Don and Cat had some fun withy the sexual innuendos that were ripe for the picking, but I was devastated. No Roman Candle?

“But we have it at the bottle shop,” continued our server, witness to the look on my face. “So no worries.”

All righty then.

I had the Catherine Wheel first, a Belgian IPA that was a must-drink for Cat for almost obvious reasons (and a must-drink for Don and I if we knew what was good for us) and I was suitably impressed. I wasn’t bowled over, but bonus points to Bellwoods for making a very strong beer (7.3 per cent ABV) taste like a session brew.

Next up was Wizard Wolf, a true session pale ale at 4.8 per cent. Not bad. Not bad at all.

After sampling the guest tap IPA (Half Nelson, from Great Lakes: excellent!), the Witchshark appeared, and I was in love.

Deep copper colour, great head (hey! I passed on the last innuendo opportunity) and absolutely huge hops. Citrusy (Grapefruit? Don’t take my word for it – I’m a rookie at this) and overall, just an awesome beer. It jumped right to the top of my list with Rogue Brutal and Smashbomb and is my undisputed number one double IPA.

We had a great afternoon trading stories  - I almost forgot to mention that it was our mutual friend and fellow craft beer geek Steve's birthday (he couldn't make it from New Zealand for the visit) and it was Don's the day before, so we had a lot to celebrate. All good things, unfortunatly,  must eventually come to an end – we all had to drive and I had to work. Actually, I was more than two hours late for my shift when I left but I have an … understanding boss, so it was all good.

We hit the bottle shop before we left and I finally got my hands on the Roman Candle, as well as a couple of bottles of the Witchshark.

Cat and Don, spoiled as they are, got to bring their bottle shop buys home and start (re-start?) drinking. But as I had to work, my drinking would have to wait.

So there I was, three hours and a bit after I left Bellwoods, finally at home with a Roman Candle poured in front of me. And I took a few sips (“s’right, nothing special”) and promptly fell asleep.

I can make excuses – up since 4 am, aching back, blah blah – but still: I left a quality beer on the table. I am so sorry, Bellwoods.

Two hours later I awoke, but I’m not fit for drinking, and my bedtime comes early. So I put my Roman Candle – already poured in a glass – in the fridge.

Now I didn’t let that beer go to waste the next day – for shame if you thought that for a second – but the true test was delayed until the next evening. Cold and poured in my bestest glass, I finally got to sampling Roman Candle at its best.

S’right. Nothing special.

I still had two bottles of the Witchshark left, however, which I savoured over two days and each bottle was better than the last.


True love, mate. With a great beer, a great brewery and great friends, old and new.

Tuesday 11 February 2014

Smashbombed on Craft Beer

Smashbomb. Boneshaker. Brutal. Mad Tom. Ten Bitter Years.

If the names were meant to intimidate they failed miserably. Instead, they intrigued and made me thirst for more.

Even the warnings from an old friend didn’t faze me. “I think you should start slow,” said Don, who I hold responsible for my current predicament. “Baby steps, man – all those hops will be too much for you!”

Too late now, Don. I’m hooked on the hops and now I have to admit it: I am a craft beer addict.

Two months or so ago I was happy to buy a few Bravas now and then and occasionally splurge on a little Gibson’s Finest. Brava hasn’t darkened my fridge door since then and I still have half a bottle of rye from Christmas. Craft beer, meanwhile, has crowded my fridge to the point that I have to do some renovations.

(I don’t really need mustard, ketchup or pickles, do I?)

It’s not as if I have embraced all craft beers. I’ve tried a few porters and stouts, a bunch of pleasant pale ales and even an excellent wheat beer or two.

My passion, however, is reserved for IPAs.

IPAs, or India Pale Ales, are the extra strong (usually six to seven per cent alcohol), extra-hoppy ales first brewed by the English in the 1800s to ensure that beer shipped to the troops in India would arrive fresh and the troops, overdressed for the tropical heat in typical British fashion, would stay too drunk to revolt.

The Americans (and later we Canadians, along with Australians, New Zealanders and a few other nations) then took that recipe to another level in the early 1900s and now produce most of the world’s best IPAs, with the epicenter of the craft beer explosion on the west coast, from San Diego to Vancouver.

And I want to try them all.

I now spend more time on the LCBO website, searching for hard-to-find IPAs in local liquor stores, than I ever spent on … those other web sites I used to frequent. I’ve driven to every store in Durham Region on the hunt for the latest prize, and cried like a baby when the beer was not to be found, despite the all-mighty internet telling me it would be.

I dream about IPAs. I plan my day around how I get IPAs. The first thing I do some mornings – before I go on Facebook to see if my fellow beer geeks have anything important to say – is jump on the LCBO site to source out where I’m going after work.

Then I spend my day hoping I can work until at least 10 so I don’t have to wait to buy my treasure.

I once drove to Brooklin to find West Coast IPA, a San Diego ale that was pumped up as the bomb in Don’s beer blog, and turned around and travelled east to Bowmanville when it was a no-show. Struck out there, too.

The next day I hit up the Whitby LCBO on the way home from work, only to be defeated once again. So I ordered the damn thing and a week later I was seeing for myself if all that driving was worth it.

It was. Third best beer EVER.

The real scary thing about this addiction is my reliance on Don for advice. He’s been like my mentor on my transformation and I can tell you that Don and mentor are rarely seen together in the same sentence.

This excerpt from one of his Brew Ha Ha blogs, in which he tries to offer praise for a not-quite-up-to-snuff ale, probably best describes his philosophy on beer and beer drinking:

“It’s a decent little beer, not an IPA but still good enough to get the job done. But I would also wanna know what the guy on the floor had been drinking so I could try that, too.”

Yah. My mentor.

To be fair, there are other people who have helped take me down this dark (well, a deep copper colour, usually) path. There’s Steve, another college chum from J-School, who now calls New Zealand home.

Steve, who is also a certified wino, is forever raving about the craft beer scene Down Under and is forever boring us with tales of perfect weather, perfect pubs and perfectly free accommodation (at his pad, natch) in New Zealand’s capital.

He also writes about beer, wine and that dreary stuff about how awesome his adopted home of Wellington is in his blog, Five Foot 19.

There’s also the lovely Cat, who I will meet for the first time Saturday when we invade the Bellwoods brewpub in Toronto to sample their awesome ales.

Cat is always to quick to offer sage advice – “why don’t you call first instead of wasting all that gas?” – was her wisdom after I posted about my hunt for West Coast IPA. She was also quick to offer kind words after I gushed about a Smashbomb Atomic IPA (my second favourite beer EVER) I was enjoying in the early morning.

“You dear, sweet man. Most of us start with coffee.”

(In my defense, I had been working all night, so it was a before-bed nightcap, not breakfast. But if it gets me a “dear, sweet man” comment from a woman I hadn’t yet met, we can call it breakfast. Or whatever she wants.)

You see? Craft beer is already improving my sex appeal.

It’s also giving me hope for the future: I’m already making plans to visit a California brewery next February for the annual unveiling of a Triple-IPA called Pliny the Younger - that’s right, I said triple - that has enthusiasts lining up for up to eight hours just for a taste of what many call the best beer in the world.

Don’s in – “buh-RING it!” was his response, and Cat has purred her approval as well: “Oh yes …hello California!” If we can talk Steve into taking a slow boat across the Pacific, we got us a party.

I know, right? I got it bad.

My fridge now contains a few Smashbombs, a couple of West Coasts, a half-dozen Hop Circle IPAs,  a bottle of Brutal IPA – best beer EVER – and two double IPAs I’m itching to try.

That should do until the weekend visit to Bellwoods (home of Witchshark, a double IPA that scored 99 on the Rate Beer scale), when the quest for the perfect IPA resumes.

Now there may be friends who question my new love affair with beer, but I’m still maintaining my most excellent parenting standards – the J Man doesn’t appear to suspect a thing – and besides, passion is passion and I’m glad I found one.

Besides, it has got me writing again, and that’s a great thing. This blog is my first since Shwa Stories went on hiatus in September.


I’ll drink to that.

Saturday 14 September 2013

Movies: The List

I just came back from the movies after watching The Wolverine with the J Man. Great movie. Not one of my all-time favourites, but very good.

And that got me thinking about my favourite movies. I’m not a movie buff, so there’s lot’s I haven’t seen, but I’m old, so I’ve seen a lot of movies. Number one on my list is – and always will be:

Apocalypse Now!

I’ve blogged about my favourite Vietnam movies (love the genre) and this one comes out on top on my all-time everything list as well. I’ve seen it many times, most notably at the front row (we were late) at the IMAX Theatre at the Cinesphere at Ontario Place. Always epic. The Director’s Cut is pretty awesome too. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like…victory.” Duvall damn near steals the movie – he’s that good.

The Departed

This was the movie where I learned to appreciate Leo’s craft. And if I had any doubts as to his action hero chops, they melted away quickly. It's Martin Scorsese’s best film, and he has directed some of the best movies ever produced in Hollywood.

Schindler’s List

The most evocative movie I’ve ever seen and a shining example of how true heroism can be found in the most unlikely places. A magnificent film.

Shawshank Redemption

This one is on everybody’s list, no? It’s on mine. Triumph of the human spirit stuff. A classic.

After the big four, I have a bunch of great movies that are on my list. I just can’t rank them. They’re all awesome. They include thrillers like the Bourne Identity, action movies like Raider’s of the Lost Ark and Die Hard, and classics like Casablanca (more memorable lines than any movie in history, with Apocalypse Now! a close second) and To Sir With Love.

There are sports movies like Bull Durham (I wish I’d written Crash’s speech to Annie), super hero films like The Avengers (spectacular)and Dark Knight and more Vietnam movies, such as Full Metal Jacket, Boys in Company C and Platoon.

I have courtroom drams like 12 Angry Men and Philadelphia, movies that I can’t even begin to categorize, such as Last Tango in Paris, and more thrillers like Untouchables and Blood Diamond. Coming of age films like Stand By Me make my list, as does Green Mile, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and Rain Man.

I didn’t forget comedies and animated features either, such as Austin Powers: Goldmember (that behind-the-curtain scene with Austin and Mini-Me gets me every time), Mask, Aladdin and Kung Fu Panda.

And I can't forget The Untitled Work of Paul Shepard, because it stars the wonderful and legendary (not to mention my sister-in-law) Mary Krohnert.

That makes 28 movies, which is a pretty arbitrary number. So I better post this now before I change my mind.