The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Shwa
Not a creature was stirring, not even the law
The eggnog was spiked with the finest in cheap rum
‘Cause I know that St Nicholas would want to have some

My youngest was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of Memorial Cup tickets danced in his head
And me in my boxers, the presents in a heap

Had just passed out for a short Christmas sleep

When out on the driveway there arose such a din
I sprang from the couch, knocking over the gin
Away to the door I ran, but I stumbled
My boxers were tattered my fingers they fumbled

I made it outside in time to see a rare thing

The Mayor of Oshawa in full gangsta bling

He gave me a nod to say it was safe to go home

He didn’t see the sleigh all shiny and chromed

The man in the suit, I knew him straight away

I saw him downtown already today

His sleigh-pulling team, faster than eagles

Was six Silverados and one really strong Beagle

Now Neal! Now Giberson! Now Chapman and McConkey!

On Gray! On Nicholson! On Hurst! On Tito-Dante!
To the top of the building! To the top of the sky!
I put down the bottle ‘cause I'm switching to rye

As dry heaves convulse me for I’ve seen far too much
I’ve seen bloody Santa Claus, his presents and such

I shielded my eyes as his sleigh-cars they neared

No quiet night tonight; it's just as I feared

And then, in a flash I heard a noise on my ceiling
Like the BIA chatter, when one side’s appealing
I raced in the house in time to see Big Red

The jolly guy himself asleep on my bed

He was dressed in bright red, trimmed in black leather
He looked like he could handle any foul weather
His big sack of toys had fallen to the floor
The mud from his boots left a trail to the door

His eyes, how they sparkled! I’d say if he woke

But alas! I just hoped he hadn’t had a stroke
His face was all crimson, that was a concern

It could have been the virus, or maybe just sunburn.

His lips lacked the pipe he smoked in the day

Santa quit smoking, hip hip and hooray,
He had a kind little face and a six-pack for a tummy

He’d been to the gym; Mrs. Claus didn’t raise no dummy,

He jumped to his feet; Santa was ready to go

There were kids to appease, he couldn’t say no

He gave me a smile, a nod and a wink

And said he’s off to drop toys at Harmon Park rink

He floated out the window and onto his sleigh

And revved up the engines, like’s he’s done every day

He gave me a wave and he soared o’er the trees

The Oshawa Centre be the next thing he sees

He blared all his horns as his sleigh flew away

Christmas, he yelled, comes only today
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"